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Saturday Crapshoot: Venus Hostage PC Gamer Every week, Richard Cobbett rolls the dice to bring you an obscure slice of gaming history, from lost gems to weapons grade atrocities. Today, sex and physics puzzles meet for a quickie in an oddly familiar place. Watch Instant Death Online Hulu here.

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From Half- Life to No Life, welcome to City 1. It's sleazier here.. Ever played one of those games where you just have to pause, reach for a Post- It note and write "THIS IS NOT A FEVER DREAM" as a comforting reminder for the next time you need it? Meet Venus Hostage, a porn game sent from Russia with love. I'd joke about it maybe making more sense after downing a bottle of Vodka, but that would be cheap. I'm not however saying it wouldn't help..

Okay, let's try this again. Tell me what I want to know, or I WON'T throw you down the stairs. Venus Hostage is the Georgian Police of porn games - though there's almost no sex in it, and the most graphic scene is in the intro.

It's an adventure. It's a puzzle game. Mtv Made Season 13 more. Sometimes it tries to be more ambitious, and those sections are adorable.

Start to finish though, it's a game that'll have you blinking at the screen until tears stream down your face, while constantly pitching its tent in that perfect bad- game buffer zone where the creators appeared to have enthusiasm but still made.. Here's the trailer, though I'd hold fire for the moment since it does give away a lot of the game, without actually giving any idea of what the blessed thing actually is. It's a fairly short game.

It starts, as all the great love stories do, with a boy and a girl. Watch The Longest Ride Streaming. His name is Jack, hers is Unknown. At least, in the random internet chat that starts the game off.

Jack simply goes over to his computer, and this happens. This or a Memory Access Violation crash, anyway. That happens a lot.)OKCupid, eat your heart out. Now, I'm no expert at online dating or anything - tried it once, give up after a promising series of exchanges ended with "I'd love to meet up, but I decided this week I'm moving to Norway : -(" - but this seems to have a few warning lights. An anonymous lady/gentlemean contacts you, already knows where you live, and wants to meet up in a desolate part of town where refugees opt to leave that he/she knows is 1. This is probably not a blind date worth making, unless your fetish is being robbed and left in a ditch.

And if it is, hey, I'm not judging. I'm just saying that if I ever buy you a new calendar for Christmas, I'll be giving you the pages on a month- by- month basis to avoid being wasteful. And when I say this is a both desolate part of town and City 1. I am not kidding. Huh. The bounty on Gordon Freeman is up to five 'gentle beating' vouchers. Have to keep an eye out. After a quick tutorial in the art of moving, picking things up, and discovering one of six sexy postcards, the mysterious woman bounces into view.

Her name is Mila, she has breasts that constantly move around like water balloons full of custard, and if that sounds like an un- gentlemanly observation, it's nothing compared to our Jack. As soon as she steps up, his eyes slam straight to her feet and up to get the full approving picture, and he spends the next few minutes with them locked tightly on her backside. Probably not just trying to read the sticker on her right buttock. Which says Ice- Iceberg. No idea why. Perhaps in honour of the maiden voyage of the Assanic. Hi! I thought I'd wear bodypaint instead of clothes today!

Hope you don't mind! Mila invites Jack to a nearby apartment owned by one of her friends, that she promises is empty, and asks if he'd like some coffee. He says that he would, but it turns out that what she actually meant was sex. We don't find out if Jack was disappointed about this, or if there was a quick chat about maybe popping out to at least get some tea- bags or something. I'm just saying, that if coffee is offered, it only seems reasonable that coffee be provided.

Instant, if necessary. But no, there is no coffee. Nor will the promised coffee ever appear, unless it's in a secret area I didn't find. Like a cupboard."Wait, this game isn't called 'Penis Sausage'?

I may have gone a bit off- script here."Sex over - which is thirsty work, and a good reason for promised coffee to be provided - the two take the time to get dressed and collapse in post- coital afterglow bliss.. Jack hanging over the edge of the bed, despite it being a quite comfy looking double.

From this, we have to assume that something happened on the other side, perhaps Jack's weak bladder spoiling the mood. Anyway, it's at this point that a gimp with a baseball bat shows up. Oh, man, what's that smell? Damn weirdos. I'm going to have to burn these sheets..

Surprising nobody sensible enough not to make sex- dates with anonymous strangers over the internet, but coming as a bit of a surprise to Jack, he wakes up in a decrepit locked room with his clothes on, but no idea what just happened. There's a bed. A TV. A security camera. And a VCR keeping up a theme that this game was neither programmed nor based on anything from the current millennium.

On the plus side, he went before he came. Or during. The cut- scene didn't fully explain. With the door firmly locked and almost nothing in the room actually interactive, obviously the only thing to do is pop in the videotape and see if it has any answers.

And it does, if the question is "What kind of fiend could be masterminding a kidnapping like this?" so the answer can be "Jigsaw, with boobs."For an old TV and a VHS player, that's some seriously high- definition. Kudos, retro technology."Welcome to our show!" says the girl, Stella, "If you're a good boy, I'll be nice to you." She then gives him his first of many twisted tasks.. Is this a fetish I'm not aware of?

Are there websites out there devoted to fully dressed people performing mundane tasks, for people who'd like to watch voyeurism porn but are concerned about being smited from on- high with a lightning bolt? Or maybe it's how dominatrixes get started. After intensive training they'll be ready to have people lick their boots or whatever, but to start with it's all "Oh yes. Reprogram that video recorder, you bad boy.." and "Help me unpack my shopping, loathsome worm ."I'm what you might call the 'hands on' style of game boss. Specifically, hands on your penis.

Stacking some bricks under a bed that's not simply broken but actively levitating seems to please Stella though and she shows up in person to.. Jack blacks out a couple of times, with the conversation limited pretty much to "Who are you?